FUCK OFF CYSTITIS

For those of you who have never suffered with cystitis, you’ll probably never quite know what it feels like to pee glass, literally.

Shock Top ouch that stings

Without being too explicit, this shit really fucking hurts. Having woken up with the fucker this morning, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was possible to remove my vagina, y’know, just for a few days or so.

For those of you who are unaware of the hell that is cystitis, let me inform you of the main facts.

  1. Cystitis is an inflammation of the bladder
  2. It’s a common type of UTI
  3. It’s more common in women than men
  4. Main symptoms include: pain, burning and stinging when passing urine, needing to pee more than normal and feeling generally unwell.

Just to put it into perspective… I’ve had over 3L of water, I’ve physically ran to the toilet over ten times, my vagina has practically passed shards of glass and get this… I can’t have a fucking cup of tea. Or sex for that matter.

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The majority of us women have experienced cystitis at least once in our lives and it can be caused by a number of different factors. The most common cause, however, is from having sex and forgetting to pee afterwards. Sure, we’re all fucking knackered but what would you rather choose? Glass in your vagina or a 2 minute break from bae?

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Here’s some handy tips on how to ease your C-Symptoms.

FLUIDS –

In order to flush out your infection, it’s important to drink as much water as physically possible. Unfortunately, alcohol is not on the list of fluids and neither is caffeine or fruit juice. Fortunately, cranberry sachets are a great alternative if you need something sweet and will help minimise the stinging sensation. The more you pee, the less it will sting.

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NO SOAP –

It doesn’t matter if you have cystitis or not, vagina’s are self-cleansing and you don’t need to shove a bar of soap up there. Your vagina is your most intimate area and doesn’t like it when you interrupt it’s beauty regime – especially if it’s suffering with cystitis. Simply rinsing with warm water or wash the outer area with Dove. Also, refrain from taking a bath when infected.

NO SEX –

Yes, this may be heart-breaking but it’s only for a couple of days. The cystitis is extremely unlikely to disappear if you continue fucking… after all, his penis pushed the bacteria up there in the first place. Wait until the infection has fully cleared up and, for now, celebrate a belated pancake day by tossing him off.

sex

LET YOUR VAGINA BREATH –

Seeing as you’re not getting any sex, right now is the perfect time to whack out your granny pants. I’m talking cotton. Silk is a breeding ground for bacteria, so refrain from any sexy undies for a couple of days… that includes thongs. Anything too tight is practically choking your vagina. Bridget Jones, thank you.

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PILLS –

There’s nothing wrong with taking pain relief tablets in order to relieve your pain. The best thing to relieve inflammation is by taking either an Ibuprofen or a Paracetamol. So bloody take something.

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Cystitis can’t instantly disappear but these tips should help speed things up a bit. If your symptoms recur, take a trip to your local GP where a professional can provide you with antibiotics and further advice.

PEE GOOD, DETECTIVE #1 x

 

 

 

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