*SINGLE STATUS

*proceed with caution, this is a rant!

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Let me set the scene. You’ve been invited to a house warming, you know about 40% of the people there. You turn up alone, looking great (obviously), clutching a bottle of Lidl Champagne. You’re holding it close because you don’t want to share it and why the hell should you?

You soon start to mingle. But boy, do you know whats coming. A couple of hours in and liquid confidence soon becomes everyone’s favourite excuse. And then it hits you like…

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‘So why are you single?’ UGH.

‘How long have you guys been together?’, ‘Oh wow, lost that spark, have we?’, ‘How often do you guys have sex?’ These are all questions NO NORMAL SINGLE PERSON WOULD ASK.

So why is it completely acceptable for you to ask me the most fucking ridiculous question of all time.

‘So, can I ask you a question?’ You immediately know what’s coming. It is a question single men who want to shag you and smug women live for. The woman who delivers this question to the single girl after (way) too many Chardonnay’s is usually holding her *man’s arm. (FYI girls, Chardonnay is the wine of the 90’s, can we please move on) *she’s so fucking territorial over her man, she may as well cock her leg and piss all over him. Even though you wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.

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The single guy asking this question usually thinks he’s got half a chance of getting into your pants. Kind of a ‘two-of-us Pimms o’clock?’ sort of thing. He is also pulling half a sex face which he doesn’t quiet pull off (you know what i mean). Kinda looks like hes got some sort of twitch.

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This is such a loaded question. Do these people honestly expect you to answer honestly? Well just for the sake of it… if we’re being honest Dave, no, I don’t want to sleep with you even though this is the 58th time you’ve tried it. And Sally, don’t even get me started on your relationship…. you went out with the first guy that asked and he’s creepy as shit, even your own mother doesn’t like him (seriously, she told me at the wedding).

And anyway, as if I’m going to settle for someone who I don’t find sexually attractive. Brenda, I’m looking at you when I say this. I know you guys don’t have sex and I know you (not so) secretly hate each other.

Couples like this are always so easy to spot. Babe, you aren’t fooling anyone. Don’t get me wrong, break ups are awful and they hurt both parties (unless you are a narcissistic sociopath – we’ve all been out with those guys, right?). You may have been together since school, but you both know the spark has gone. You’re scared to break up with him because you don’t want to be … dare I say it, left on the shelf.

So you leave it and start secretly flirting with people in the smoking area’s of clubs, saying to guys ‘…oh my god you’re so my type, I’d love to go on a date with you but I’ve got a boyfriend’. So Brenda, all I’m saying is… stop being such a pussy, just dump your boyfriend, you clearly hate him!

I’m not going to go out with someone for the sake of it, Jenny, you are actually the fucking worst. Floating from relationship to relationship because you hate your own company and can’t be alone. Hun, why don’t you just get an excellent vibrator and some male friends? In the words of JB, ‘you should go and love yourself’ – in both senses. Appreciate your own company and your own fingers. Over the last few years I (like many women) have had ample opportunity to go out with many-a-man, but honey, I don’t need to go out with someone to validate how great I am… because I am great and I can admit that. I am also humble and modest, so JEN GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER!

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Lucy-Louise, you married a guy you’d known for 9 months (did someone say shotgun?), but you just can’t help but tap me on the shoulder just to say, ‘don’t worry babe, you’ll find someone soon’. First, I don’t need your pity and second, If I wanted too, I could shag your man in the loo (any woman at this party could). Not because he finds me particularly attractive or particularly wants to but every time he’s at social events he is creeping.

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I also possess that whole ‘single, fun, sexually-free persona’ which you don’t.  You are kind of giving off this whole ‘missionary sex is cool vibe’ with a sprinkling of ‘OK honey – because it’s your birthday’ and you know it, which is why you are constantly glued to his side. So, LL un-fucking cool bae, just remember that next time you decide to start a pity party in my honour, look at yourself in the mirror and in the words of Tatianna think about your CHOICES!

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Ted, mate, why are you chatting me up at my best mate’s wedding? Your girlfriend is inside dancing to Abba. I just came outside for a cigarette and now you’re telling me I’m better looking than Kate Winslet… (celebrity doppelganger). Thanks, but I can see your girlfriend staring at me. I say staring, it’s more like lasers coming straight from her eyes mentally writing ‘big slut’ on my forehead.  I only asked you for a light and now you’re really invading my personal space. I feel a little like I’m being dry humped against the outer barn wall, which is completely unwanted.  But of course, it’s my fault. A single girl should always carry matches with her. Just in case the taken guy you ask for a light can’t keep it in his pants *slaps wrist* BAD SINGLE GIRL.

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Steve, we all know your type. Always has a girlfriend. A serial girlfriend-er. Usually goes out with quiet mousy types which by no means am I slagging these women off.  You like vibrant women but you’re also very scared of them. You also like to be in control – hence the quiet girlfriend. Now Steve, you are the type who will usually float to a single girl (that you’ve been friends with for LONG time a.k.a. me or any other single woman within a metre radius) on a night out, usually in the smoking area. We’ll have a great chat (like always) and you’ll tell me how you’ve always had a girlfriend but you like me. At which point, I’ll think “that’s nice” but what the fuck do you want me to do about that? At this point I’ll hear a squeeky voice: ‘he’s got a fucking girlfriend…’ in which I respond “I KNOW.” Jesus Christ.

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The squeeker slowly backs off but doesn’t take her eyes off you, mentally time-stamping the conversation as well as an incredibly detailed description of your appearance and any snippets of conversation she can hear. Steve always cheats on his girlfriend and has been trying to wear you down for years. You haven’t bitten because you’re trying to be a nice person yet but you’re always slightly tempted. His girlfriend hates you because you are the complete opposite to her, despite your desperate attempts to be nice and try and make it clear you don’t fancy Steve. She will always think you’ve fucked Steve and you start to think you may as well have.

So maybe this single girl is having a bit of a shite time and just wants to drink her bottle of Pinot in peace? Maybe she’s getting over a royal fuckwit and can’t even think about dating. Perhaps she always ends up dating lunatics and is trying to change her brand? Or maybe she just hasn’t met anyone good enough and is cool being by herself for a bit? God, as if single girls don’t have enough to contend with? Being insulted on first dates, ghosting, fake tinder profile pictures and a scar that was carelessly left behind by that guy you really liked which will always leave you insecure and eternally asking EVERYONE you’re with, ‘who else are you fucking?’ (this is surprisingly common).

So Sally, Dave, Brenda, Jen, LL, Ted and Steve… you know who you are. Just stop, please fucking stop, otherwise us single girls might just start digging in your personal life and asking questions. ‘When are you having kids?’, ‘Does your husband always try and shag your mates at house parties?’, ‘Was this a shotgun wedding?’, ‘Were you worried about being left on the shelf, Sue?’, ‘Have you ever been sexually fulfilled?’

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*I’d like to do a shout out to all those men and women who don’t ever ask this question, you are the backbone of our society. Single women all over the country salute you, keep doing what you’re doing.

 

I have prepared a perfect answer to this annoying question:

“So, why are you single?” – imagine the irritating high pitched voice

-I only like anal sex and some men just can’t deal with that.

This will allow enough awkwardness for you to escape back to the bar.

 

 

Dicktective 2 out

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