Eczema is a bitch. She’s a fucking awful bitch. She likes to talk over you, creeps up on you when you’re least expecting it, can’t handle her drink and somehow finds a way to make your life miserable.

Five years of the bitch and I still can’t handle how she makes me feel. From a £30 decrease in my bank balance thanks to Epaderm and a bed sheet so bloody you’d think there’d been a murder, nothing quite compares to having to hoover your own bed because you’ve managed to shed a layer of skin in one night.

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From having to say bye-bye to spaghetti straps and hello to turtlenecks all year long, eczema has always managed to affect me in one way or another – whether that’s physically or mentally. Who it’s also affected, however, are the people I’ve dated.

Having to deal with the sound of my fingernails ripping into my skin at 3 in the morning is hard enough let alone having me waving my arm in your face 24/7 with the words stroke me permanently ingrained in your brain. And for that, I salute you – you brave soul.

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So here goes, a list of things you only know if you’ve dated someone with eczema. No, I don’t mean ‘my skins dry’ eczema, I mean ‘my skins so dry, I’m literally falling apart.’


I know you know I’m itchy, I tell you every day. But the itch isn’t going away and I need to moan to someone and that someone is you. I do apologise and I know you can do nothing to stop the itch but hey, at least you know.

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Sorry, please excuse me while I scratch myself to death after a fuck-fest. Look, it was amazing, honestly, but right now all I care about is bringing myself to an ultimate scratch-orgasm. You were really good, I promise, but you’re also very hot which has made me ultimately sweaty which has made my skin the itchiest mother-fucker alive.

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Please, for the love of god, just stroke my skin. When I flap my arms in front of you its not because I’m bored, it’s because I need some comfort. Do you want me to scratch myself? No? Then please just stroke my arm for like 10 minutes until I nudge you because you’ve forgotten to carry on stroking. Thank you, love you so much.

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Do you wanna try some celery juice? Honestly, it’s quite nice. Babe, if I need to find the cure, I need to try every diet out there. I know gluten-free is really expensive but you care about me a lot right? So no, we’re not ordering pizza, we’re going out and we’re going to find a gluten-free, meat-free, candida-reducing, turmeric-everything most-expensive-restaurant-in-the-world that will satisfy all my bodily needs. Thank you.

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Look. I know this isn’t normal. I really wish it didn’t have to be like this. But the fact is, I’m a snake and I shed skin on a daily basis. I can’t afford to wash my sheets every day so yes, I am hoovering my bed. If you’ve got a problem, fuck off.

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I know you want to go to bed with an ultimate sex-goddess but unfortunately you have me, the Sudocrem queen. I know I might look like a snowman and I apologise if I manage to get cream all over you but I’m just trying to better myself and mankind so they don’t have to see my skin falling off my face.

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Don’t you fucking dare tell me to stop scratching. You know it’s not going to work so why are you even trying? If you want to try something, tie my hands behind my back and lets get kinky because as if I’m going to stop scratching what feels like the best orgasm ever? Dick head.

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Dicktective #1 seeks skin stroker. Will repay in love and affection







Running baths

Rubbing in creams



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